Finals

They put the fear of the Surgery Nazi in you. Tell you to lose 10 pounds or else - "no surgery for you!"

They mean well. They want to see if you will follow their directions. It makes the surgery easier on the stomach. It makes the transition to a purely liquid diet that much easier. Lowers your health risks, yada yada yada.

So, I knew the Big W-day was drawing close. My old fears and long ago fought battles rose up out of their shallow graves and laughed their ghostly heads off right in front of me. Did I lose enough? What if I gain 3 pounds overnight. Better skip a protein shake until after weigh in. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG!

My stupid scale at home wasn't helping the mental matters either. My clothes were a bit baggy. I was feeling a bit lighter. But my scale showed me very little love. So, rather than give in and be defeated I went to another scale. And another. And glory be, I'd lost 20 pounds!

Forget a bit baggy, suddenly my pants were about to fall off.

So, I headed off to the hospital ready to jump through all the final pre-op hoops with confidence tucked neatly under my arm. They have their circus act down pat. In this ring you pee in a cup. In this ring you give a little blood. And in this ring you have an EKG.

Then the ring master walks in. Uh oh...

I hate this part. I am always afraid I am going to answer something wrong. It's too much like a test...

Head Nurse/Ring Master: What is your religion?

Me: Um...Christian?

Head Nurse/Ring Master: *staring at me*

Me: Baptist?

Head Nurse/Ring Master: *writing and talking* Christian.

I'm thinking dang, that was a few points off.

This one was my favorite by far:

Head Nurse/Ring Master: What do you expect from your hospital stay?

Me: Um, surgery?

Head Nurse/Ring Master: We are not amused. Of course you will have surgery. What do you expect?

Me: Good care?

Dang, I am so failing this...

Head Nurse/Ring Master: No one knows how to answer that question.

Well at least I am in the 100 percentile there.

Head Nurse/Ring Master: Are you allergic to anything?

Me: Yes, codeine, morphine, vicodin.

Head Nurse/Ring Master: *disbelieving tone, looks over top of glasses* What do they do to you?

Me: Chest pains, rash, heart racing, short of breath?

Head Nurse/Ring Master: *impressed* Okay.

Me: Whew.

The Ring Master lets me leave the interrogation. I'm off to see the trapeze artists next.

No kidding. Having an x-ray is really like that. Hold on to the bar over your head, deep breath in, lift your leg, swing! Now, turn this way, flip, deep breath in and swing!

Can I have some pop-corn now? Where are those stinking clowns cause this ain't funny anymore.

After two hours of that I headed off to the Surgery Nazi camp and waited for the call. And waited. And waited...

Finally my time had come. I weighed in and met with Dr. F.


Two thumbs up. I'd lost 22 pounds, all my tests went well and so on.

I asked what my results were from the hospital tests. He said I passed with a 94.

An A!

I think six points were taken off for being Baptist.

Green at the Gills

Here's the thing, this isn't in any way easy. Don't be fooled by thinking it is. I am talking mostly to myself when I say this. You see those before and after shots. You watch those Discovery Channel documentaries. You do your homework and research this thing through to the nth degree. And you think you are prepared. You have no idea.


Two weeks. Two meals. Nasty shakes. Well, kind of nasty. The dutch chocolate is many miles better than the vanilla.


It isn't so much that you are hungry. You just have to keep drinking the same stuff over and over. And over and over. At this point in the game, nine days and eighteen shakes into it, I would trade a shake for some overcooked spinach. Wait, let me rethink that....


But again, I am determined. And this is what it takes. I just want you to be fully aware that this is one of the hardest things you will ever do and this is only the beginning.

Shaking My 'Tude

Fair warning: This post is very frank. Deal with it.

So.

I started the liquid diet.

(Two meals replaced with a protein shake every day for two weeks.)

And at the same time I started the antibiotics.
(1000 mg of Amoxicillin & 500 mg of Biaxin taken with Prevacid twice a day.)

And at the same time I started my period. And to top it off, despite the fact that I've eaten yogurt EVERY day, I am starting to get a yeast infection. Oh great.

Can you say 'miserable', children? I knew you could.

Needless to say, I am not feeling my best nor am I behaving my best. I have an attitude from hell.

Days 1 & 2. I am determined to carry on. This is nothing in the scheme of things. I am not hungry in any way, in fact I have a problem trying to finish the shake. But as well all know, hunger often has nothing to do with why we eat. To top it off, I have a very bad attitude towards everyone and everything. Perhaps this is a combination of carb detox and my period. The shakes are not horribly tasting, but they are in no way delicious. And I guess they aren't really meant to be. Of course the antibiotics leave a strong metallic taste in my mouth and that probably does not help.

A few tricks I have learned:

Add half ice cubes half water. Put everthing in the blender, blend well and then pour into a shakeable container. Then place in the freezer for 30 minutes or so. When you take it out shake well.

You can leave it in a bit longer (in a cup otherwise it will freeze inside the bottle and you won't be able to eat it) and eat it like an ice milk.

Add a small spoonful of instant coffee and half a packet of splenda. (to the dutch chocolate flavor.)

Add bitter fruit to the vanilla or dutch chocolate, such as blackberries or raspberries.

For some reason drinking it through a straw makes it easier to go down.

Day 3. Attitude slightly better, although I feel shaky and weak today. I am having a problem with nausea. This is primarily due to the antibiotics I know, but it isn't making chugging down 10 ounces of brown vitamin sludge any easier. We went to the grocery store and that was a challenge. Throw me in front of a bus why don't ya? But once I think about the effect this food will now have on the outcome of my surgery, on the progress I've made thus far and the mental effect - in other words one taste of the forbidden - I am able to look away. This was a small triumph that I celebrated with, you guessed it, a protein shake.

Days 4 & 5. Muuuuuch better. Better attitude. Better feeling. Better day at work. Shakes still stink, but oh well. I am doing good. The only time I get hungry is before lunch. Then I eat a big salad with chicken and I feel so much better. I get full faster at lunch as well. I weighed myself on day 5 and I've lost 10 pounds. THAT makes me smile.

I guess I will take this part of the challenge one chug of protein shake at a time.