The Difference

I step on the scale. 235. Step off. Sigh. Same weight as yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.

I have apparently hit what the bariatric surgery world calls a stall. Different than a plateau because it's shorter, only lasting a week or two. But frustrating none the less.

The ironic thing is, so many people have commented on my disappearing act this week. Perhaps it's inches instead of pounds which is still good....but....It's funny how a number, as insignificant as it may be, can give your spirit a lift every day. Just that smidgen of encouragement you need to go on.

I'm not sure how to react to the comments either. Comments such as:

"I don't even recognize you!"
(How do you know you are talking to the right person then???)
"You look like a completely different person!"
(Like who? Can I be Ashley Judd?)
or
"You must feel like a whole new woman!"

Truly? No. Well, I mean yes, I feel good. I feel great in fact. But a completely different person?

I know, I know, what am I complaining about? These are friends who are loving on me. And if any of you reading this has said these things to me, please don't feel bad. I love you for it. But it's just odd to hear. And I never know quite how to respond.

This is how I usually respond: I look in the mirror. Yep that's me.

Brown hair with more gray than I care to think about at the moment?
Check.
Blue eyes?
Check.
Freckles?
Check.
My mom's nose?
Check.
Nice big arms. Big legs. Good child-birthing hips?
Check. Check. Check
Huh.

I say to the mirror, "well you look like Dana." and then I think, you sound like Dana too.

But in truth, there are differences. Many. Mainly internal. Mostly unseeable. If that's even a word. I don't think it is, I see a red line....

Like I kind of feel pretty.

And I no longer feel like a Macy's Day Parade float.


And I actually want to go for a walk instead of laying around watching The Top-Secret Recently Opened Never Before Seen Undocumented Footage of Area 51 UFO Files for the 16th time in a month.

What?? The cooking channel was showing Emeril. Not a fan. No baby, give me Tyler Florence or Paula Deen or a Bobby Flay Throw Down any day...

So, that said. I am different. Not yet completely different. Or a whole new different. But well on my way.

Perhaps one day my eyes will see what it is you see.

Into the Great Wide Open

Of eating whatever you want...

Well, sort of. Okay, not really. I can eat almost anything, (Remember the 3 things? No sugar, no fried foods & no leftovers.) however, I can't eat much.

What I've tried (that is not considered 'healthy' food) and what's tried me:

Pizza:
Yes. Pizza. Not on the 3 things list is it? It was fabulous. We ordered a supreme with all the veggies. I was a little worried about the Italian sausage. Pero no problemo baby. Hey, you don't get much...maybe 1/2 of a small slice and I only ate the edge of the crust. For the rest of the slice I just ate the toppings.

Chinese food:
No luck. Or should I say no fortune cookie. Perhaps it was my choices, but my body would not have anything to do with beef pepper steak or sesame chicken. I won't give you the ugly little details, but suffice it to say it was awful. Sad.

Nachos:
Sort of...There was a bit of a difference and MUCH healthier than what you are thinking. No chips since they are fried. Black beans, tomato, zucchini, avocado, raw baby spinach & red bell pepper with low fat shredded Monterey Jack and fat free sour cream. Granted I had so little it took longer to put it together than eat it. But it felt good to have a somewhat normal meal again.

And YES, I do eat healthy foods.

Like I eat lots of chicken. Lots of salmon. Lots of oatmeal. Lots of veggies.

Okay wait, when I say lots I guess I mean I eat these foods often...okay, continue....

I love raw seeds & nuts, almond butter, spinach, tomatoes, zucchini, beans, hummus, cantaloupe, strawberries...the list goes on.

BUT I don't love these oh- so-good-for-your-body foods all the time. There are days my mind screams for a Jethro sized hunk of cake, or a mound of french fries, or a huge fat greasy cheeseburger. So very Americana.

Okay, so I can actually have all of the above, just as long as the cake has no sugar, the fries are actually just roasted potato wedges and the meat in the cheeseburger is lean with almost no bun, and they are all in minuscule, teeny-tiny, eentsy-weentsy, Barbie's little sister sized portions.

Yeah, takes the fun right out of that.

But that my friends, is the biggest battle. The hardest part of the whole journey. You have to defeat the lies your mind tells you and has told you for lo, these many years. Food doesn't equal comfort, peace, stimulation or love. Food is simply energy.

Energy that for the most part, tastes soooo good.

There is this misguided belief that because I've (or anyone else has) had surgery that this is easy. Au contraire mon fraire. Surgery is only a tool to force you towards health. I read somewhere it is only 1/4 of the answer. And the other 3/4th's are the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Yes, the weight has come off fast. Yes, I am in much better health. Yes, I am off all of the medicines I was taking (except my anti-depressants). And I wouldn't turn back now for anything in the world - the fruit of this effort has already come forth in abundance. A veritable cornucopia of blessings.

But it has been, and will continue to be, a long and difficult row to hoe. And that row will need constant tending and protection from pests, weeds, drought and me.

Isn't that ironic? I am the one who must fight, must win - yet I am the very one I am fighting against.

I must lose the fight in order for me to win. I must die in order for me to live.

Out in the great wide open, a rebel without a clue.