Reality is a deceptive word. It seems that you know exactly what you are headed for, but later you find that the reality of then, was only what you thought it was.
Not a mirage. Not fantasy. Not even a misguided belief. More like a belief that is at each moment evolving, once blurred by thought and now sharpened by experience.
Two weeks ago, in reality, I fully realized that in 14 days I would have surgery. I knew the reality was that this surgery would absolutely change every aspect of my life - permanently. And I, being of sound mind, had done my homework thoroughly and was, or so I thought, prepared for the road ahead. No regrets, no fears, no worries.
And one week ago, in reality, I had said surgery and all things I imagined it to be, were brought in to focus and no longer what I originally thought, but now what I knew.
And then there comes a moment, when you wake up several days later, have chicken broth for breakfast for the third day in a row, have absolutely nothing you recognize as hunger for the third day in a row, have six large incisions across your belly and no idea if what you are doing is even going to work, when you say to your educated self, "Oh me, you had no clue. What have you done?"
All those so called well-informed-ideas that kept away any presentiments you might have had, go tearing out the door leaving it wide open for those nasty neighbors known as doubt to walk right in and make themselves quite comfortable. And you? You have not an inkling of what to say to them, how could you? You've never been here before.
This is not to say that I now feel some form of regret. Not at all. Just reality, sinking its sharp little claws deep into the very pit of my brain better known as the heart and the soul. The innermost being as it were.
And too, reality is a word pregnant with possibilities. Possibilities that, when given breath, put to death the shadowy doubts that cower in the corners of your mind. Possibilities have their own reality, a reality that itself evolves.
The hope of victory becomes a tangible reality one day at a time. The desire of perseverance takes yet another step on solid ground. The thought of resolve pounds in your heart one beat to the next, drumming out the whispers of what if and not you. And these realities become more and more at home in your mind than the doubts, the words of naysayers and the fleeting fears that once tried to nest.
And what was, transmigrates in to what is. And this day, this is it, this is your reality. Make it what you will.
4 comments:
YES! and You Will press on - persa dang vere - to the Glory of our Creator. and You Will have a dramatic change which may have been more painful at other stages in life BUT now you are further along in maturity, dedicated to your faith (and your God) and strongly supported by people who know you can do it.
Press On, my child, running toward the prize. . .
WOW. I had no idea this was going on with you. See what happens when I miss a few weeks in the blog world?
I'm praying for you and I'm so proud of you for doing this big step toward a long life. We need you here.
Pamela,
Welcome!! I am so happy you stopped by, cause I kind of stop by your blog often... :-)
Persa dang vere indeed!
Candy,
That's ok, you've had a lot on your plate.
Thank you for your prayers, they are very much felt and even more so needed.
You should try something we do with Arbonne. May a list of 21 reason why you have done this and post it every where (your fridge, desk, mirror, etc.) and share it with friends. That way on days when you think, "What have i done?" or "I can't do this anymore" You have more reason why to do it then not to do it. :)
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