Testing, Testing 1...2...3

Last night I had to go in for a sleep study. Seems that I snore. So loud that metaphors such as "dynamiting a mountain" and "bringing down a forest" and my absolute favorite "Darth Vader" have been tossed about as a comparison.

So before I go under the knife my surgeon wants to make sure I don't have sleep apnea. At first I was afraid this would make me an unlikely candidate for the surgery, but then I understood this was a protective measure.

I arrived around 9 pm, already 30 minutes past my bedtime. I was quite ready for sleep at that point but I wouldn't have the opportunity for several hours.

We waited, my family and I, for quite a bit of time in the room that was to be my bedroom for the night. We waited and we waited.

The room was nice, rather like a set up at a furniture store, fake plants and all. The bed seemed to be sleep-worthy, but still not my bed. Located in an office building it was quite obvious that this was once someone's workplace. Only now there's a bed. And a video camera. And a loudspeaker. And a motherboard. And a fan. THANK GOD for the fan!

Questions ran through my mind. Questions like, what if I pass gas? (Seriously!) What if I talk in my sleep? (Am I an entertaining sleep conversationalist?) What if I have to go to the bathroom and I am connected to the motherboard? (Do not wet the bed.) I was worried most about the bathroom. Just the slightest possibility of having to hold it all night made me visit the facilities 3 or 4 times before they locked it up tight.

My family left and finally she came and began to attach all the wires. And I thought finally I will be able to get some rest! Right. So, if you've never had a sleep study you'll want to know that you are attached to a box with wires coming out of almost every possible spot on your body. A connection beside each eye. A connection on each leg. A connection on each side of your chest. A connection on your neck, your chin and your jaw. Behind each ear and right on the top of your forehead. And eight glued to your scalp all around your head. A pulse oximeter on your finger. And finally a sensor that sits on your top lip and fits inside each nasal. This is in order to sense the heat of the breath coming out of your nose.

Once she got me all wired up the fun began. Apparently the machine wasn't reading anything. Insert brain dead joke here. Despite her many attempts and pleadings the machine refused to work. Plan B, move to another room. Except we had the same problem in there. She switched this, reattached that, wiggled something else and turned herself about.

I think the turning herself about did it because Houston, we had liftoff. Whew, I sigh. Not yet says the motherboard who apparently had more tricks to pull out of its sleeve. Plan C we move back to the other room and try a few more dance moves. This impressed the motherboard and we finally began the test. It was midnight.

Problem #1. I was no longer sleepy. Problem #2. I was in pain. Problem #3. I had to pee. Dang. I tossed and turned and would just about drift off and sleep was snatched from me by the sleep mugger. I must have finally drifted off because when I thought I just couldn't hold it one more second she said she would be more than happy to come unplug me, let her stop the test. She came in and I asked what time it was, she said 6 am and I had given her some lovely snoring. Lovely.

We went home and I slept all day. That is really going to mess me up tonight. But I couldn't help it. It was my bed, my sheets, my home and best of all I could go pee whenever I wanted.